With lots of apologies to my darling Janeeeeeeeee and big DAVE who must be getting sick o this tired old story.
Woodlandstory 2 (A BeauregardTbadger adventure)is coming along at last, maybes i'll finish it before 2010.
I just wanna see if anyone else loves the squirrel.

Woodland story 1 (a StevenTsquirrel adventure) “A work of comic genius says the Beano” “Gaun hae a drink yah bam” says some drunk bloke up the town”

StevenTsquirrel flicked his roll-up into a puddle of pee next to the clowns trailer. It had been a long wait but there she was next to the conjuring bears’ cage. Enormous and gloriously grey. Steven trembled with squirrely desire. He didn’t much care that the object of his desire was in fact a male called EnglebertTelephant (very showbiz but male nevertheless) Steven used his stealth squirrel powers and sidled up to him/her.

“Hay hen fancy gaun fer a bevvy wi us?” said Steven in what he considered his most sexually alluring Scottish burr.

Englebert eventually located him and said, ”Ehh?”

“Fancy gaun doon the disco wi us? It’s big grey things fer free night” burred Steven.

“ehh okay” said Englebert, trying to keep the campness out of his voice .”But I’m not really big on dancing, just big. I tend to give my bum a good shake at the start and by the time the song’s finished I’m pretty much done wobbling”.

“Aye very funny hen. Yer gorgeous. Maun then” said Steven.

“Keep a hold of your nuts. Just let me put on my Kylie shorts and straighten my trunk and I’ll be right with you”

“It’s a braw nicht fer the jigging. Whit’s yer name and ehh if yea don’t mind me askin’ what fersackily are you hen”?

“Yeah it is quiet here. This time of evening the bear usually goes for a shit in the woods”Englebert hesitating tried to think of a really butch name .”My friends call me Endevour and I’m an elephant”.

Steven didn’t have a Scooby what an elephant was but didn’t care as he was already imagining telling his mates about his night of squirrely lurve with the huge grey thing.

“Endeavour? Does that mean ure up for it hen, haha? So ure no a chicken then?”

Steven had a thing about chickens. He didn’t believe they exist. He thinks they were made up to scare small animals, like mortgage advisors or Vet’s, kind of mythological maybe like dinosaurs and God or honest politicians, but people kept telling him , much to his chagrin (and you don’t want to see a squirrels chagrin) they were real. So he’d made it his lifes’ mission to trap one and copulate all over it. (That’ll teach them) All this despite the fact that mrs HenriettaThen delivered his eggs every morning and that several of his friends had names that ended in Tchicken. But whenever anyone mentioned this Stevens eyes would glaze over and he’d smile as though humouring a mad person.

Englebert emerged from behind the conjuring bears cage wearing sunglasses and a pair of gold lame~ hotpants.

“It does smell a bit like bear pooh round here. Shall we go?”

“You look fandabby-dozey hen. Aye I’m sorry aboot that, I wondered what I stood in earlier. It’s okay though I wiped me hands on me tail.” “Charmed I’m sure” said Englebert.

There was a pop, a puff of smoke and suddenly a bear appeared in the cage.

“I wish you’d stop doing that Boris. You’ll give some -one diaohhrea”. Steven quickly leapt to his feet from lying spread-eagled on his back (He’d been told if you pretend to be dead chickens don’t eat you).

“Aye mate if it werny fer the big feller being here I might have used my ninja squirrel powers on yea” Steven said trying to appear cool and cat-like.

Boris chuckled to himself and held out a pack of playing cards to Steven. “Pick a card, go on pick one. I dares you.”

“No leave it Steven or we’ll be here all night. We’re off to the disco” said Englebert.

As they walked off Steven discovered a playing card stuck to his tail. “How did yer ken ma name hen? am I that famous?” asked Steven.

“It’s written on the playing card stuck to your head” said Englebert. “Cheesy peeps that bear is good. So whit d’yer do fer a livin’ yea big gorgeous thing you?” said Steven as he tugged at another playing card that had suddenly appeared on his tail.

“I do an act in the circus don’t you know. I lift my leg and I sit on my bum while some bird in a sparkly leotard waves her arms around. Sometimes I kick an inflatable sheep into the crowd. The audience love it.”

“Aye sounds awesome hen” Steven tried his best to sound impressed.

At the door to the disco WilberforceTwolf greeted Steven. “You behave yourself tonight and no stealing the nuts. In you go. If you’ll just go round the turnstile, ehh, ehh,” He couldn’t think what to call Englebert. “Or you could just step over it, ehh, mate.”

Steven nudged Wilberforce as Englebert went ahead trying not to step on anyone .”I’ve hit the jackpot Berf, shall I ask if she’s got a sister? Her name is Endeavour and tonight Matthew I’m getting my End’ away, haha".

“You be careful she doesn’t just squish you” laughed Wilberforce.

“Ooo I hope she does” leered Steven and swaggered after Englebert, chest out, tail erect (playing card removed).

“You take a seat, well several seats hen and I’ll get you a bevvy. Whit d’yer fancy, apart from me?”

“Surprise me, just not cough mixture , I hate the stuff, it makes me sneeze”.

“Oh aye hen, I wouldny want you to sneeze in an enclosed space. Be right back”.

At the bar, FlirtyTfox served Steven.

“Awright Flir hen how they hangin’? Gonna gee us a Babysham and rotgut, on second thoughts better make that a double and my usual cherry and pineapple surprise” (the surprise being that it was pure rocket-fuel strength whisky known locally as “nippy-sweeties” as many noisy babies were dosed with the stuff to quieten them down.

“So who’s the big grey hunk?” asked Flirty.

“That flirty hen is a bloody big notch on me bedpost”

“You’re a dirty wee feller Steven. Have you no moral compass?”

“I do hen but it always points north”. As he turned from the bar Steven first removed another playing card from his tail then slipped a big white pill into the baby sham, thought about it and emptied the whole bottle in there.

“There yea go hen, it’s got loads o sweeties in the bottom you’ll maybes need to stir it a bit. Let‘s hit the dance floor darlin’”.

Englebert slowly and carefully made his way to the centre of the clearing, moved all his weight onto his back right leg and with a tremor inducing heave threw it to his left back leg, then stood as still as he could while his body and anyone within 20 foot, shook

At the end of the music ConfusciousTcat announced. “Confuscious say, we will now begin annual dance competition, competitors please line up in front of judges, I thank you many times“.

The dance floor cleared. First up were BeauregardTbadger and FingersTfox dancing the woodland waltz (Later Beauregard discovered his wallet, pocket watch, signed photo of BritneyTbadger and several of his fillings were missing. Luckily he was able to replace his Britney pic as Fingers just happened to have one for sale)

There followed a procession of vaguely entertaining dancers and the audience were beginning to lose interest until MarvinTmillipede did his river dance interpretation. He was head, shoulders and torso above the competition and did a hugely impressive Jette (.a whole squadron of jettes actually) when he was announced the winner. He puffed out his chest and strutted the clearing shouting “Hung like a beetle, me!”.

“Why’s he shouting that” Englebert asked Steven.

“Oh when he was young, people were forever doing the 99, clunk, 99 clunk joke and asking him if his leg was alright and one day he said .That clunk you hear isn’t my leg sweetheart I’m hung like a beetle, me! and now it’s his catch phrase. He shouts it whenever he gets excited. You can hear him all over the forest when he has sex.”

The night ended with the “woodland woohoo”, a complicated dance involving choreographed feet, hand and tail movements, considered quite dangerous as the previous summer several cows practicing in a field had been ritually burned to death.

“Mon hen finish yer drink and we’ll go fer a wander in the moonlight. I’ve got a stash o stale buns no far from here”

“Buns? Did you say buns?” Englebert said excitedly,” Lead on my furry friend”. Englebert hoovered up the last of his drink.

“A horse, a horse ,my kingdom for a horse” declaimed Englebert loudly and slurrily. “I could have played Hamlet you know but no-one took me seriously, no one saw past the trunk. Alas poor Yor,hic, I feel lighter than air hic”.

With one last heave on the block and tackle Steven hoisted Englebert into the oak tree (Known locally as the humping tree).

“Aye pet I’ll get yer a horse later” panted Steven, ”Just gie us a mo’ to catch me breath”.

“Out, out damn hic, See I could have done Lady McWhatsherface” mumbled Englebert.

Steven scurried up the tree, positioned himself behind Engleberts’ suspended bum, took a deep breath, yelled “remember Culloden!” and leapt spread-eagled onto the mass of grey. At 4 o clock in the morning Steven lay atop the comatose Englebert smoking a roll up and smiling smugly to himself. This was going to be a great story to tell his grandchildren. He wrote a note and with a dod of chewing gum he found stuck in his tail (along with several playing cards that just kept appearing out of nowhere), he stuck the note between Engleberts eyes. It read, You were enormous babe.

Steven, using his Ninja stealth squirrel powers disappeared into the dawn. (actually he went looking for someone to tell his latest conquest to) And they all lived happily ever after, sort of.

The END.

The "root" of all evil

Having figured oot whit the word "root" means (in certain contexts) i have often wondered what the root of all evil would be like? And is it wrong that i'd really like to try that?